PostPartum Depression Recovery
PostPartum Depression Recovery
Time really does fly, doesn't it?When you seem to be caught inside your own head with what seems like no way out, it's easy to fall into despair.This time last year, I was in the throes of deep and dark post-partum depression. Healing was in the beginning stages, but it was still dark. Very dark.There were days that I didn't think I could ever get out of my head.Related: 14 Ways You Need to Battle PostPartum Depression
(I hope this is obvious, but I'm not a medical doctor or a therapist. Everything I'm about to share is based purely off of my own experience and not to be taken as medical advice. Please seek the help of a therapist or doctor for any diagnosis or treatment!)I had struggled with depression and anxiety for many years, stemming back from my childhood. The loss of my Mom when I was 9 (she died from a rare form of breast cancer) is pretty much the catalyst for it since depression runs in my family.Related: Mother's Day ReflectionsNeedless to say, I was a prime candidate for postpartum depression. As a result of that "label" already being put on me, I wanted to fight against that as much as I could.Unfortunately, I think that ultimately led to my downward spiral because I made my pride become a factor in my desire to not want to get any help. Red flags started popping up everywhere and I didn't want to reach out because I didn't want my label to come true.
It Boiled Over
As 2017 rolled on, the months flew by and my precious son continued to grow and grow. Many things started piling up on me that I let eat away and contribute to the teetering pile.The little cracks that I was frantically plugging up with a fake smile and "I'm doing great!" started to crack a little more. My smiles were fading and my happy facade was starting to slowly crumble.My little patches of "happiness" were deteriorating and pretty soon my high functioning charade was going to tumble down.Micah spotted it first. Naturally, I believe because he was around me the most. Normal disagreements over tiny things seemed to be huge boulders being thrown at me.What would normally be a level-headed discussion over something would be completely blown out of proportion with yelling matches and things thrown (from me).It pains me to say this, but it got to the point of me almost wanting to walk out. Completely leave everything. We had a heated argument (started by me) and I remember (painfully) saying horrible things and threating to leave.At that point, I knew that my inner turmoil was no longer under wraps. Micah lovingly said for the umpteenth time that I needed to get help. My pride was too strong and my hurt was growing too fast.
Time for Help
Help was something I desperately craved but was scared of. I'm not sure why I was scared of help. I'm pretty sure it all boils down to pride and unmet expectations. I knew I loved Titus and I loved being a SAHM. I loved my life.But none of it was reaching my heart.My heart was cold and hard.On the surface, my life was picture perfect. A beautiful house in the suburbs. Husband with a great job. My pregnancy, labor, and delivery was a "dream" (I mean, it's still labor but it went extremely well for the first time). TJ was healthy and growing like any baby should."What is wrong with me?!" I would ask myself multiple times a day.You can't tell, but in this picture from January 2017, I was so hurting inside. Like I mentioned above, I desperately loved my family and my precious son. Yet, my heart for one reason or another felt cold and distant. It drove me nuts. The thing I most longed for in life finally happened in a beautiful way, and yet it felt like nothing. I knew something was wrong.
Reach Out to A Friend
I finally, finally reached out to a trusted friend with my plea for help. Providentially, she said she had been praying for me and jumped to the role of helper. I am forever grateful for her. She looked up a Christian Counselor for me to connect with and I have been seeing her ever since. It's hard to believe that I've seen her for over a year now.Reflecting back on this painful journey, one that I would never wish on any woman, I see God's hand in everything. From my friend who had been praying for me without me even asking and doing the research for me.For God placing a Godly man in my life to call me out in a loving way for me to make that first step instead of walking out on me when, at the time, I felt like walking out on everything.
Talk to Someone. Consistently.
Seriously. If only I had reached out and talked to someone sooner. Consistently.Someone who had gone through exactly what I was going through at the time. I wanted to talk to a counselor that had gone through postpartum depression before so she could see everything I had gone through.During our first meeting, talking about my postpartum depression was extremely painful. Gut-wrenchingly so. If you've ever experienced postpartum depression and you have had intrusive thoughts, you know exactly what I'm talking about.Intrusive thoughts are way too personal for me to talk about on a forum like this, but if you are having them, or you need healing from them PLEASE talk to a licensed therapist or counselor!Getting those traumatic thoughts out in the open with a trusted person is the first step in your postpartum depression recovery.Your therapist or counselor will walk you through everything you need to do and will (hopefully) be a wonderful listening ear for you.
↓↓PIN FOR LATER↓↓
PostPartum Depression Recovery
A year later, life looks a lot different. After meeting with my counselor on a regular basis and making some major life changes that I'll get into another time, I'm happy to report that my postpartum depression recovery is complete.I function with very few intrusive thoughts, and when they do pop up, I know how to navigate them and not let them drag me down.My pride is still an issue at times, but most of my pride has nothing to do with my desire or need to talk to someone. It mostly has to do with my other expectations in life.Bottom line, I'm not perfect. There is still healing in other aspects of my life that needs to be done, and that's the main reason I'm still meeting with my counselor. She helps hold me accountable and helps me continue to appreciate the importance of mental health.Not only that, but she constantly encourages me in our endeavors, big and small.As a result of that, I'm sharing my story.I might talk more about my other depression and anxiety experiences in the past in order to encourage others that might have experienced it or are currently experienced it.
There is Hope For Your Future
Know, that you are NOT alone. When the night is dark and long and you don't think you'll ever be able to swim out of your fog.Talk to someone. Preferably, a licensed counselor or therapist. If you don't feel comfortable doing that for whatever reason, talk to someone you TRUST. Someone you can cry with or to.Surround yourself with people that love you and encourage you. Remove as much negativity in your life. If you're a Christian, fellowship with other Believers, spend time in God's Word and pray, be active in a Bible-believing church.You are loved, adored, and cherished.Never forget that.
If you want to watch what happened on April 4, 2017 that changed the course of my depression, you can watch the FB Live I did here: